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Category Archives: Humour
Heidi Ho Blubbers and Blabbers,
It’s your old pale ale pal Shirty with an upclue for you.
Two consecutive #1 hits have made Tapioca Hot Tub the new darlings of the Fidgety Set, especially boys 11 and 12 which is due largely to the stackability of Mauve Mavis, the band’s sumptuous grip and hover player. Says MM about her special demographic, “Rotate your hands, babies.”
Sheila, the ever-honest, gravity-defying music reviewer, has proven to the world that the energy and power of promotion pays off big time and can make even the least stand out amid the musical squalor of the 21st century!
Meaning that The Taps hold down #1 again on the Brain Failure Top Ten with their ditty Calypso Mind Control. Click the pic below to hear Sheila review all the Top Ten. Some say it was the tune’s gruesome video that propelled it to the top slot. I contend that my promotional stunt of having the band live in a tent on top of a cell phone tower for a week decided the tune’s happy fate. It received international news coverage.
The downside, I guess, is the band were all fried with complete collapse of brain functions and a spate of radiation poisoning symptoms. The silver lining is their condition has not affected their musical abilities and they all said they had the best cell reception ever that week.
My success with THT has garnered me a new gig. I am now the Canadian Market Seepage Party Planner for a brand new beer called Idaho Strong Arm brewed by Burpage Brewery in Squinch, Idaho. The hook with Idaho Strong Arm is you can use it as a deodorant, too.
They want everybody to get hammered on their beer real soon so I’m inviting everyone who reads this to attend an Idaho Strong Arm party. Free beers for hours and hours. The bash is at the Come If You Can Party Rooms in the new Shifting Shoulders Motor Hotel in Squash Squander Heights Condomartmall at Levi and Levon. Some highlights of the party that may linger with you for days afterwards include:
- a dip in the clothing-optional pool for a swim with Gary, the mutant chlorine dolphin;
- the exotic and adventurous buffet from Jimmy Crack Corn where you can taste their stacked venison, swallow dropping and zebra cheese panini. You won’t find that at Tim Horton’s!
- sway to the mellow tones of our strolling musicians:
- Arden, the deaf accordionist;
- the Slinky Sisters who are “as musical as Tourettes gets,”
- Thragund Stlyth who is blonde, Belgian, 16 and plays the sitar like a mofo;
- the climax of the evening is the world premiere performance of a new stage play by Edgy Ernst Angster called The Haunted Dresses: A Wardrobe in Search of a Cast. Empty costumes reveal their inner longings and outer shortfalls. Special appearances by Cotton Wrinkles, a self-ironing shirt, as The Uncreaseable; and a gay army boot named Loose Laces as The Anti-Uncreaseable. New cutting edge Empathetic Fabric Technology EFT makes it all possible.
- plus, there’s bound to be a few strange things at the party, too.
Hope you can fit it in.
I found clown footprints around my roses!!
Colour between the lines,
Read Shirty’s previous email.
Hi Dee Ho FANtestilites,
Newly-young (surgical) Shirty upcluing you on my careening career.
It’s all good news!!
Contagiously, the bumph of this Brotish Curlumpian band I’ve been promoting to the globals of late is reaching stratospheric proports!!
Tapioca Hot Tub Mania has been declared!! (Well, almost. I’m urging Prim Loobster Sylvia Hampster to make it official and some day in May or June be deemed National Tapioca Hot Tub Day when all Canadians will be required to eat tapioca, bathe in tapioca or somehow perversely include tapioca in their lives while humming the band’s catchy little melody that will get them singing in the showers. Pending…)
Evidence you need?
This week’s Brain Failure Top 10 contains no less than two, count ’em, TWO tunes by Tapioca Hot Tub (THT), new darlings of kinky food fetishists, no niblets please.
Watch Sheila countdown the Top 10. She is downright kind to the new THT ditty by saying merely, “This is lame.” She’s always right! Click the pic to see if you agree. THT’s mega-hit Marshall McLuhan Steels His Gaze remains atop the chart at #1 for the third straight week. Debuting at #5 is THT’s next mega-hit Calypso Mind Control, a spunky formulaic re-upchucking of their first smash but with spooky weird images that will follow you to bed tonight.
Described by Mother’s Little Helper magazine as “harrowing” the disturbing new video for Calypso Mind Control is now available free for human eye viewings by simply clicking the pic below us. Tapioca Hot Tub Fan Fun Factoids: the total IQ of all five band members combined is 107. The average IQ of Tapioca Hot Tub fans is 9.
Elsewise in my career, the idea I pitched to the Penetration Channel for a reality show that follows newly-ejaculated human sperm attempting to fertilize a human egg inside the female was turned down even though we have the technology to record everything everywhere – management caved due to blow back from the Spermists, I persist.
Pinin’ for the fjords,
Read Shirty’s previous email
Hi Ho Fools and Tools,
What better day to update you on my alleged career!
Last missive I told you those numbed-down slotheads Tapioca Hot Tub hired me to promote their vile drivel. I seem to have a talent for it since their new “song” Marshall McLuhan Steels His Gaze just hit NUMBER ONE on the Brain Failure Top Ten!! Click pic and see for yourself. I guess my publicity stunt of having the band members waterboarded in public on the main drag of Vancooper has really paid off. You’ll be wondering how I can top that. Just watch me!
It’s our special day, widgets! Do something foolish!
My fly keeps unzipping itself and my shoelaces won’t stay tied.
Read Shirty’s previous email.
Hi Funsters and Dumbsters,
It’s Lil Shirty checkin’ in wit chas.
Since we last talked, Sinatra’s people (dead people have more fucking “people” now than they did when they were alive!) harpooned my GHB’d show, test audiences rejected my Jackie Wilson’s Last Months show, a whole slew of fucking lawyers from the likes of Little Richard, Little Eva, Little Anthony, Little Joey, Little Caesar, Little Steven, Little Dick, Lil Snatch, Lil Yeoman, that bunch, descended on me when I mounted my Little History of Rock and Roll. I thought it was an excellent way to get lots of midgets working but others saw it otherwise.
Which gets us to now. Are you sitting down? I have a legit job! Well, more legit than any ever before. I’m the PR person for the hottest new band out of Brotish Curlumpia – Tapioca Hot Tub!! They are yummy. They will give you erection, wet panties, icing on cake, whatever you want, whatever you need, they will give you. Try not to think of fish eyes in goo when we say tapioca or, actually, think whatever the fuck you want. How’s that for a pitch? THT suck big time, of course. Here’s a preview of their new fake hit, some dreadful drivel, and below a look at the PR material I have aroused for them. Lap it up sheeple. The end is nigh.
Someone keeps putting spoons in my mailbox. Can that be good?
Hugs and Ughs,
Tapioca Hot Tub, the sensational new band from Brotish Curlumpia, are storming up the brain failure charts with their new hit, Marshall McLuhan Steels His Gaze.
Tapioca Hot Tub are the only band to outsell Brotish Curlumpia’s première music act, heavy metal band Expletif FU, whose latest album, Pushing In Rabbits (a loose English translation), has sales of nearly a million. Tapioca Hot Tub has exceeded that number and now hold Brotish Curlumpia’s best selling title.
About their success, Canola Pan Spray, drummist for Tapioca Hot Tub, says, “We are closing to robots and closing to horses. Spray it around. You smell us coming in you.” Tapioca Hot Tub lead ganip ganop player Melty Smeltz says, “We’re more than just man pudding. Look. See.” Yes, they are!
Now you can be among first humans on Earth planet to hear their brand new song and watch their brand new video for Marshall McLuhan Steels His Gaze.
Tapioca Hot Tub will be touring Europe soon and elsewhere beyond. Be sure to find them out there.
In case you don’t know it Marshall McLuhan was a WWII spy from Winnipee with a penchant for smelly cigars and farting while seated. He was married to Marilyn Monroe. I miss him.