Category Archives: Guff

Shirty in Phoenix Mode

Gracious Greetings Gaggle,

Yer old pal Shirty here, conspicuous by my presence.

Back from my near-dearth experience when all my bands suddenly folded back into The Matrix and left me high and…well, just high. I should have recognized the symptoms of holograms: stiff little fingers, inability to pronounce “bilious” and total lack of spontaneous intelligence.

Never fear. My phoenix instinct has kicked in and I have a back-up!

I’ve just signed to Turd Polishers International (TPI) a new sensation from Jolly Old England called The Brittles. Four personable fellows – Johann, Paolo, Jorge and Romulus – from the port city of Livermouth who are real flesh and blood (tested them all myself) and who eat actual food. That alone should make them world giants against the dazed ditzy din of zeros and ones pretending to be human and music.

I have some PR tricks ready so you might as well start saying next month’s new household words now: The Brittles and Brittlemania. Their sudden fan base will lovingly label them The Flab Four. Why? Because all four Brittles are morbidly obese, that’s why.

Fat is the new black – you heard it here first!

Rotund rules!

My first PR stunt is an all-day, all-night eat-in for peace. The slogan is War is over if you eat it. brittles The Brittles left to right: Paolo, Johann, Jorge, Romulus. The short one is the Fifth Brittle, Riggles who is the group’s manager and pecker checker. This is an early picture from when they performed under bridges in Livermouth and area. I’ve toned them down a bit but still leave nothing to the imagination because imagination is passe.

Now that dadbods are hot news at the checkouts, I’m trying to convince a popular magazine to name Paolo as The Sexiest Man in the World. All they need is one shot with his shirt off and this 423 pound boy is centerfold bound. Careful where you put those staples!

The video for The Brittles first smash hit Lunch is still in production. The boys keep eating the scenery! Those nutty Flabs! Snort! But you can be among the first and trendiest people in the world to hear Lunch on the player below.

Are you hungry for more? That’s a symptom of Brittlemania! Play it again. Satisfy yourself.

Another new act I have in the wings is the duo Sperk and Ank. Sperk is an obsolete, deregulated robot doorstop from Japan who sounds a lot like a young Smokey Robinson but even smokier. Ank is “a loose bone collection (19% flesh, 12% water) that escaped from a lab where horrible experiments took place,” according to its bio. Ank plays ganip ganop and trills like a Siamese cat.

As an aside: ganip ganops are now the trendiest musical instruments in the music business. Even Bjork has a matching pair!

Sperk and Ank are recording their first single as we speak. Release date pending the ultrasound results.

That’s my teaser for the new TPI acts. Many more to come as I keep turning over rocks to see who’s under there.

I dreamed I saw St. Augustine.

Surrey on down,

Shirts

Shirty’s previous email

Leave a comment

Filed under Guff, Humour

ReadReidRead Improvements

Reid Dickie

I’ve logged some hours improving several RRR blog pages making them more user-friendly and accessible. That means there are lots of links now where before there was miles of scrolling. Can I hear a Huzzah!

Just in time for summer travel planning I’ve revamped the Day Tripper page completely, adding several dozen sites around Manitoba for a total of 60. Links are now provided for most of the posts as well as my five Year-End Reviews which give a good overview of my travels. There are a few posts with site descriptions at the end of the page.

I overhauled the MB Heritage page, changing some sites and making accessibility easier with links for all. The Sacred Places page begins with the short article about safeguards at sacred sites and provides links for all the sites I’ve visited in Manitoba and Saskatchewan reporting my experiences. Both of these pages might supply sites for your exploration this summer. Check them out.

As with Birdland, I left Churches and Houses pages as they are with the long scrolls unrolling them like a travelogue. Check these pages out for summer trip planning, too. The Schools page stays the same but is user friendly.

Back by popular demand, the Fiction page! Revamped for easy linking it has several new short stories and some old faves. Church of Kicking Tires is back with a new ending. Two other pages are devoted to fiction: Lonesomes has sixteen scripts, backstories, direction and videos for The Lonesomes. Squareaway gets you up to speed with the lives of Colloquia, Cheyenne and Grindel Squareaway from just down the block.

Astute observers of RRR will notice a brand-spanky new page lurks above the header picture. I want to provide a balanced blog that offers all sorts of heavy responsible information (ahem) as well as pleasant time wasters. Cue the Guff page. The content is a mix of over 50 humorous posts and unusual videos, most short and spunky. I intentionally left the descriptions to a minimum maintaining the surprise. Be happy.

2 Comments

Filed under Blog Life, Day Tripping, Fiction, Guff

Tim Horton’s Beans in Our Ears

Snapshot 1 (29-01-2015 4-38 PM)

Reid Dickie

Just for fun I’m weighing in on the changes afoot at defining Canadian icon, Tim Horton’s. Snapshot 4 (29-01-2015 4-40 PM)Former defining icon is better now that it’s owned by Brazilian mega-corporation 3G Capital. Tim Horton’s came as part of the 3G deal to buy Burger King which was blessed by the Ref-Con trained seals in Ottawa.

My fake backstory regarding Tim Horton’s revolves mainly around a little brown brick building near Pembina and Grant in Winnipeg. I have habituated this building for centuries. Before it was Tim’s, Robin’s Donuts operated from it as did Loopins and Snapshot 3 (29-01-2015 4-39 PM)Standards. In the 1950s it was The Sassafras, a coffee and malt shop that catered to teens and adults and maintained an uneasy detente between them. During The War, it was Stookie’s, a smoky diner at an important bus stop that led into new suburbs in south and west Winnipeg. During the Dust Bowl days three sisters, all named Thelma, ran it. Of course it was called Betty’s Place so as not to Snapshot 6 (29-01-2015 4-41 PM)confuse people. Just after the First Big War when it was Mike’s you could buy coffee and pie over the counter, booze, hookers and reefer under the counter. Even before the new century began, on this spot Pounder’s Stopping Off was a widening of the Pembina Trail where you stocked up on supplies coming and going. Porridge Pounder always had plenty of guns and ammunition to sell. Before anything took root at the meeting of the rivers, Cree and Saulteaux sometimes used thisSnapshot 7 (29-01-2015 4-41 PM) place as a campsite due to its closeness to the Red River. For thousands of years before that, it was just me and the woolly mammoths drinking from the river with the wind whistling through the willows.

Most of the above paragraph is not true; it is fiction, historical riffing, guff. In that spirit I created a short video to commemorate the assimilation of Tim Horton’s into its new Snapshot 2 (29-01-2015 4-39 PM)corporate maw. I scrounged around on archive.org and found some vintage footage of Brazilian coffee growers and refiners, added Soul Coughing’s The Coffee Song and uploaded it to YouTube. Fellini would appreciate the final few scenes. Click any picture to watch the 2:30 video.

For clarity I have been a long-time customer of Tim Horton’s and witnessed their inevitable decline. Of late, I frequent other coffee shops, local and much more interesting. Comments sections online are filled with people vowing to boycott Tim Horton’s for their recent actions. In my case, the Horts just ran its course after lo, these many thousands of years.

4 Comments

Filed under Guff, Humour, video art

Oasis In Space – Found Sound Poetry and Video

        Reid Dickie

Trinidad!
And the big Mississippi
and the town Honolulu
and the lake Titicaca,
the Popocatepetl is not in Canada,
rather in Mexico, Mexico, Mexico!
Canada, Málaga, Rimini, Brindisi
Canada, Málaga, Rimini, Brindisi
Yes, Tibet, Tibet, Tibet, Tibet,
Nagasaki! Yokohama!
Nagasaki! Yokohama!

Snapshot 5 (10-11-2014 2-48 PM)So begins Ernst Toch‘s fanciful sound poem Geographical Fugue composed entirely of world place names. Toch was a prolific Austrian composer of classical music and film scores who endeavored to stretch the boundaries of music. He’s credited with singlehandedly inventing an idiom called Spoken Chorus which combines the spoken word and music creating a new form of expression. Geographical Fugue, written in 1930, caused a sensation when it was first performed and remains Toch’s most performed work even though he dismissed it as unimportant. Snapshot 1 (10-11-2014 2-44 PM)

The piece strictly follows the form of the fugue with four voices entering one at a time: tenor, alto, soprano, bass. The basic structure is that of the canon or round (Row, row, row your boat) resulting in unexpected rhythms and harmonies. Composers John Cage and Henry Cowell translated the poem from its original German.

Snapshot 2 (10-11-2014 2-45 PM)I combined Toch’s sound poetry with footage taken of the earth from the International Space Station and offered with annotations by NASA.

I found both the sound and vision at www.archive.org. Click any picture to watch my 3 minute video.

Leave a comment

Filed under 1930s, Guff, video art

Shirty’s Ether World Report

Greetings Fandoolants and Fandoolettas,

Your bud Shirty checking in wit cha from the ether world of sub-moronic fail music and custodial wincing which will blow your hair back if you got any left anywhere on your body. Custodial wincing is the latest health rage out here on the launching pad, Brutish Churlumpia. Listening to dumb music to feel smart is only the beginning. This billion dollar baby is waiting to be delivered, long overdue, angry and punching from the inside. Hand me the scalpel.

Speaking of that I have developed a burping disorder that, after arduous medical and semi-medical testing using needles, electrodes and penal insertions, turns out to be caused by an excess amount of hummus in my diet. (If you’re wearing a cap right now, hummus is like dog food for people.) I’ve joined HA (Hummus Anonymous) hoping to kick the habit and the burping. I’ll keep you apprised.

My shrink, Doctor Unequipped, says all is well and being beaten on my testicles is an important part of my cure. I’m beginning to have my doubts. I think he jumped on the S&M bandwagon too soon and is regretting it now. He can regret it more though.

Career-wise my new company, Chump Change for Judy, is growing like mad. I’ve hired six new debriefers to keep the underwear flowing in a downward direction. The only other position open right now is Smelling Organizer. If you like feces, go for it.

Six new bands that sound exactly the same have joined my talent roster at Turd Polishing International. TPI is overflowing with effulgent these days and the charts are reflecting it. Three of my acts have Top Ten hits on three diverse music charts:

  • The Litter Box Lions are Number Four on the Petulant Pet Top Ten with Fancy Feast Fiesta, a jolly instrumental with plenty of scratching, yowling and burying;
  • Poon Tang Lagoon are Number Two this week on the Nudists Who Eat Beef at the Beach Top Ten with I’m Itchy, You’re Itchy, Live With It, a ska romp that will be still be played a hundred years from now;
  • Dave Clark Five tribute band, the Dave Clark Fivish are Number One on the Worst Tribute Bands Ever Top Ten with their version of Bites and Polices. 

Bulletin! Bulletin! Just signed last night after sufficient coaxing and cajoling, the Tar Paper Wrappers are now part of the TPI herd! Their first release, Sandra Has Lice, I Feel Bilious will be out next week. Download with the upcode and thou shalt be wrapped! Click the pic for a TPW teaser.Snapshot 1 (23-09-2014 10-17 PM)

Been doing some goose hunting. Only been goosed twice so slow season so far.

Check out custodial wincing for sure!

Keep your plunder dry.

Argggh

S

1 Comment

Filed under Guff, Humour

Lycanthropy The Good Old Days Part 24

Snapshot 1 (21-09-2014 11-25 PM)

Disturbing our practice.

Don’t treat me like practice.

Tell them sorry I have practice.

Practice chaos and disorder.

Click pic to practice. 

Practice colours.

Practice til later.

Companion video explaining how it works

Leave a comment

Filed under Ancient Wisdom, Art Actions, Education, Guff, Old Souls, shamanism

IF you have to get dressed in the morning TV ad: Cufflinks The Good Old Days Part 23

Snapshot 1 (21-09-2014 11-06 PM)

Changing the way you change.

Click pic to see how.

Leave a comment

Filed under 1980s, Guff

Five-horse, One-man Swather and Stooker The Good Old Days Part 22

Snapshot 2 (17-09-2014 1-33 AM)

If we could only figure out a way to combine the swather and the thresher and cut out the stooking part…click pic

2 Comments

Filed under 1930s, Guff

Mr. Ed Opening and Theme Song The Good Old Days Part 21

Snapshot 1 (17-09-2014 12-47 AM)

Click the pic of course

Leave a comment

Filed under 1960s, Guff

Dance Marathon The Good Old Days Part 20

Snapshot 1 (18-09-2014 11-14 PM)

Just click the pic to swing and sway to the modern sounds of Glenda and the Slippery Floors

Leave a comment

Filed under 1930s, Guff

The dust blows forward, the dust blows back The Good Old Days Part 19

Snapshot 2 (16-09-2014 12-50 AM)

 “Dust tastes like dust.” John Steinbeck

Click any pic for a taste.

Snapshot 1 (16-09-2014 12-57 AM)Snapshot 3 (16-09-2014 12-51 AM)

Snapshot 1 (16-09-2014 12-50 AM)

Leave a comment

Filed under 1930s, Guff

Plan 9 from Outer Space Trailer 1959 The Good Old Days Part 18

Snapshot 1 (16-09-2014 12-06 AM)

It is safe to state that the grandchildren of some of the people in this theatre will not be born on Earth. Click Bela to find out how come.

Leave a comment

Filed under 1950s, Guff

Folding Up the TV The Good Old Days Part 17

Snapshot 1 (15-09-2014 11-53 PM)

It’s 1959 again. Click pic and fold

Leave a comment

Filed under 1950s, Guff

Monkee Around The Good Old Days Part 16

DICKTOOL KIT IMAGES 020

Go simian! Click the pic and turn it up.

Leave a comment

Filed under Guff

Smoking The Good Old Days Part 15

Snapshot 1 (10-09-2014 1-51 AM)

Sunlight soap and cigarette smoke – click the pic for a whiff

Leave a comment

Filed under 1950s, Guff, Humour

Every Problem Available The Good Old Days Part 14

Snapshot 1 (10-09-2014 1-45 AM)

“Don’t they know it’s the end of the world…” Skeeter Davis 1962

Leave a comment

Filed under Guff, Humour

Beyond the Blue Horizon The Good Old Days Part 13

Snapshot 1 (09-09-2014 11-06 PM)

Click the pic to have the Three Suns entertain you from 1942

Leave a comment

Filed under Guff, Humour, Music

Drive-In Movie Food The Good Old Days Part 12

Snapshot 1 (09-09-2014 12-09 AM)

Delicious and fresh, click either pic if you want butter

Snapshot 2 (09-09-2014 12-10 AM)

Leave a comment

Filed under 1950s, Guff, Humour

Bowling Babes The Good Old Days Part 11

Snapshot 1 (08-09-2014 11-29 PM)

Click the pic to find out what nobody knows

Leave a comment

Filed under 1960s, Guff, Humour

Shirty Upclues

Heidi Ho Blubbers and Blabbers,

It’s your old pale ale pal Shirty with an upclue for you.

Two consecutive #1 hits have made Tapioca Hot Tub the new darlings of the Fidgety Set, especially boys 11 and 12 which is due largely to the stackability of Mauve Mavis, the band’s sumptuous grip and hover player. Says MM about her special demographic, “Rotate your hands, babies.”

Sheila, the ever-honest, gravity-defying music reviewer, has proven to the world that the energy and power of promotion pays off big time and can make even the least stand out amid the musical squalor of the 21st century!

Meaning that The Taps hold down #1 again on the Brain Failure Top Ten with their ditty Calypso Mind Control. Click the pic below to hear Sheila review all the Top Ten. Snapshot 1 (17-06-2014 7-49 PM) Some say it was the tune’s gruesome video that propelled it to the top slot. I contend that my promotional stunt of having the band live in a tent on top of a cell phone tower for a week decided the tune’s happy fate. It received international news coverage.

The downside, I guess, is the band were all fried with complete collapse of brain functions and a spate of radiation poisoning symptoms. The silver lining is their condition has not affected their musical abilities and they all said they had the best cell reception ever that week.

My success with THT has garnered me a new gig. I am now the Canadian Market Seepage Party Planner for a brand new beer called Idaho Strong Arm brewed by Burpage Brewery in Squinch, Idaho. The hook with Idaho Strong Arm is you can use it as a deodorant, too.

They want everybody to get hammered on their beer real soon so I’m inviting everyone who reads this to attend an Idaho Strong Arm party. Free beers for hours and hours. The bash is at the Come If You Can Party Rooms in the new Shifting Shoulders Motor Hotel in Squash Squander Heights Condomartmall at Levi and Levon. Some highlights of the party that may linger with you for days afterwards include:

  •  a dip in the clothing-optional pool for a swim with Gary, the mutant chlorine dolphin;
  • the exotic and adventurous buffet from Jimmy Crack Corn where you can taste their stacked venison, swallow dropping and zebra cheese panini. You won’t find that at Tim Horton’s!
  • sway to the mellow tones of our strolling musicians:
  • Arden, the deaf accordionist;
  • the Slinky Sisters who are “as musical as Tourettes gets,”
  • Thragund Stlyth who is blonde, Belgian, 16 and plays the sitar like a mofo;
  • the climax of the evening is the world premiere performance of a new stage play by Edgy Ernst Angster called The Haunted Dresses: A Wardrobe in Search of a Cast. Empty costumes reveal their inner longings and outer shortfalls. Special appearances by Cotton Wrinkles, a self-ironing shirt, as The Uncreaseable; and a gay army boot named Loose Laces as The Anti-Uncreaseable. New cutting edge Empathetic Fabric Technology EFT makes it all possible.
  • plus, there’s bound to be a few strange things at the party, too.

Hope you can fit it in.

I found clown footprints around my roses!!

Colour between the lines,

Shirty

Read Shirty’s next email

Read Shirty’s previous email.

2 Comments

Filed under Guff, Humour, Music