Ever since Aunt Ether, Uncle William’s wife of 32 years (yes, her name was Ether and she was named after the chemical used to put her mother under during childbirth), died of multiple beestings on her 53rd birthday, Uncle William found life full of new challenges. Many of them made him angry. One of them was churches.
Uncle William, who never allowed anyone to call him Bill or Will, didn’t like the insides of churches or their outsides either, for that matter. Nonetheless, Uncle William was a religious man who observed the Sabbath and believed he could petition the Lord with prayer. Uncle William solved his spiritual dilemma in his own unique way.
The “church thing,” as he called it, came on with sudden fury. Every day on his way to work, Uncle William drove past St. Victor’s Shallow Waters Evangelical Home of the Brave which the family attended and where Ether’s funeral was held. One day, as he looked at the tacky fake stained glass windows that littered the front of the metal-roofed building, Uncle William was immersed in The Lord’s Own Fry Pit. He suddenly felt like he was being deep-fried. It was not pleasant. It felt endless. It occurred every time he was near a church of any stripe eventually eroding Uncle William’s ability to be near a church, any church lest the deep-fried feeling returned full-blown which it had on the two occasions when Uncle William tested it on a Ukrainian Orthodox Church and a synagogue.
Yet Uncle William needed the solace of The Word, to feel like one of His flock. Sunday mornings, rain or shine, winter or summer, feast or famine, Uncle William got in his Ford Focus, drove to Tim Horton’s and bought 64 ounces of coffee in a mug he found in Texas where everything is jumbo. Sixty-four ounces is eight small cups of coffee so the ESL kids at the counter did some confused math and arrived at a figure usually between three and nine dollars. Uncle William added ten sweeteners and eight 18 percent butterfat creams, secured the lid and shook it well. After the first few satisfying sips gave his tongue that pleasant burning sensation, Uncle William put the jumbo cup into his jumbo cup holder and tuned in his preacher, his Man, his Chosen One to deliver the very words of God, The Reverend Bob Clutterbuck. Reverend Bob’s radio show The Undamnable Light of God began at 9:05 every Sunday morning on CXXX Radio, “The Song of the Prairies.”
In Reverend Bob Clutterbuck’s greedy world, there was little difference between hellfire and brimstone, the two pillars of his Sunday morning yokel yodels. Damnation and donations, these were the twin tenets of Reverend Bob’s gleaning of the flock. One week, his broken leg needed extra splints which were surprisingly expensive; the next week the spill the family vehicle took running into a Baptist who was suing him plus the extra body work and insurance and “that cavalcade of decadence we call governance needs to have its pound of flesh, its ripple of rubles, its anointed entitlement.” Reverend Bob had an endless stream of misfortune which could only and merely be repaired by cold hard cash in envelopes still delivered more or less faithfully by Canada Post but he had Pay Pal for those who seek redemption from using the internet too frequently for guilty pleasures and overt physical release. Bob had all the bases covered. You could even transfer directly into his bank account from any ATM machine!
Uncle William turned up the radio and Reverend Bob blared into the little car. Every amen, of which there were many, was accompanied by a slug from the eight cupper in the centre sling. Then, with Satan on the run from Reverend Bob, Uncle William began his tour of every new car dealership in Brandon. There were just nine, the usual culprits: General Motors, Ford, Jeep Chrysler Dodge, Toyota, Nissan, Kia, Hyundai, Honda and Mazda. Uncle William had a specific route he followed every Sunday that ensured he got to every dealership without passing by a single church. He worked for a week figuring this out until the route became clear.
“My friends,” you could see the moisture glistening on Reverend Bob’s forehead and palate, “My friends, let me remind you what Hell is like. Hell is like being deep-fried twenty-four hours of every day for eternity. Hot oil on every inch of your skin, filling every pore, every hole, every orifice, every orifice,” Bob liked that word. It was one of his favourite words, “Every orifice forever. Like ol’ taters in boiling oil, Hell is you being boiled in oil forever. Forever. FOR EVER!!”
Forever was Reverend Bob’s trademark word because, at his third sounding of it, his voice created its own echo that reverberated throughout the room and even through the airwaves and into the lives of his listeners, like Uncle William who could relate to deep-fried Hell. He shuddered a little.
“You never get out of the oil. You never get dumped into the stainless steel bin, ladled into paper bags, salted, vinegared and downed by hungry overweight people sustaining their diabetes. You never get eaten, only continuously deep-fried and you already know how long that lasts. It lasts FOREVER!!”
The word echoed through the psyches of all Reverend Bob’s audience, causing Uncle William to have a peak experience where he realized he had been given a taste of Hell and redemption was essential to his salvation but let’s have a look at those new Kia Triages that came in this week first.
Uncle William got out of his car to look at a couple of sticker prices and peer hands cupped through windshields at the interiors of the Kia’s. He left his car door open so he could still hear the revelations Reverend Bob was sharing. The Reverend’s ludicrously exaggerated tones and phrasing boomed across the car lot of Kevin’s Kia as Uncle William prowled the shiny new cars.
“Jeeeeeeee sus must be in your mind and your heart at all times if you want to say you have given yourself to Him, to Jeeeeee sus.” Little rivulets of sweat started running down Reverend Bob’s cheeks and converged on the apex of his chin, hanging, glistening then falling falling falling. They looked like a waterfall of tears, the effect heightened by Reverend Bob’s frequent sobbing, great gasps of air filled his lungs as he wept, the moisture trickled away from him.
“The Word of GAAWWWDDD,” – it’s a three-syllable word when Reverend Bob said it – “is clear and concise. Jeeeeee sus must be like a bee in your head, a buzzing that never ends…”
Reverend Bob began frothing at the mouth, not just at the corners but producing a generous spray of foam overall.
“Children, ma children, ma little flock, we needn’t fear the world because we have weapons that will make the rest of the world change its mind. We can recreate The Stone Age anywhere we want in the world!”
The microphone was so covered with foamy spittle a technician wiped it off with a blue linen tea towel that had full colour images of seven varieties of birds found in New Zealand on it.
Uncle William pulled across the street to Todd’s Toyota to check out the unconventional colours of the hot-off-the-delivery-truck Toyota Maimer. Specifically the colours Maimers came in were oxblood, houndsblood, horseblood, tigerblood, bearblood and salmonblood.
Uncle William saw and disdained the Maimer colours and drove the three blocks to Mort’s Mazda. The TV commercials had caught Uncle William eye and he was very curious about the new Mazda Pillager, “perfect for around town” its ads said.
Mort’s lot became an echo chamber for Reverend Bob as Uncle William was out of his car immediately and visually mauling the Pillagers, his car door wide open to the all glass façade of Mort’s.
“Deep in the realms of Hell you cannot find one scrap of cash. Money is meaningless in Hell. That is how terrible Hell is. Let me say it again: Money is meaningless in Hell. How much horror can you bear?”
The Mazda Pillagers were giving Uncle William a hard-on, not literally but they were getting him excited, stimulated as only he could get by an automobile still aglister with morning dew. The three cups of Timmy’s coffee he’d drank were starting to seriously grab him behind his knees. He ran his fingers across the sensual rear fenders of the Pillagers, their shape reminded him of a woman. Unconsciously Uncle William pinched his left nipple through his shirt.
“The sins of the flesh are endless and uncontrollable; they haunt every ounce of flesh, every sinew, every corpuscle, every organ and every bone in every human body. The sins of the flesh…” Reverend Bob was having difficulty not touching himself during this part of his sermon.
Startled into the present by the Reverend’s words as they echoed around the car lot canyon, Uncle William walked briskly away from the Pillagers, got in his Focus and drove halfway across the city to Hugh’s Hyundai where “the most curious new car you will see this year, possibly any year” said Drive Drove Driven magazine was on display. The car was the Hyundai Quiz Show, so named because at the flip of a switch the car would begin asking you trivia questions. Voice recognition picked up your answers and if you were right, the car applauded briefly; if you were wrong the car taunted you mercilessly for one mile and there was no way to stop it, even turning the car off wouldn’t shut the damn thing up. This was what Uncle William was thinking as he cruised slowly past the line of TV shaped cars and out of the lot toward Freddy’s Ford to check out their new half-ton The Ford Exploiter. Its slogan was “Won’t eat your young.”
William remembered what his father said Ford stood for: Fix Or Repair Daily or Found On Road Dead. He also said Pontiac stood for Poor Old Nigger Thinks It’s A Cadillac and Fiat was Fix It Again Tony.
“Just as the bush never stopped burning for Moses, Hell never stops burning for those cast into it for not seeking redemption in the Word of GAAWWWDDD and Heart of GAAWWWDDD. For sinners like you, Hell never lets up. You are consumed but not consumed by flames forever! Eaten and uneaten forever! Forever! FOREVER!!”
Uncle William felt diminished and insignificant in the presence of the gargantuan and overwhelming Ford Exploiters. He felt dominated by the trucks and, in his true heart, not unpleasantly so. He caressed the huge tires, rubber and skin commingled and set off brief explosions of desire in Uncle William. While Truck and Man communed on the asphalt, Reverend Bob, looking like a dog in the final stages of hydrophobia, his jaw a hive of wet white bubbles, expounded rabidly.
“…the Dark Passageway to Damnation and the Bright Passageway to GAAWWWDDDD. Only you can choose your path. It cannot be chosen for you, only you can decide your fate. This is what you were born to decide. It is the only decision you ever really need to make in your life.”
So enraptured by his own speechifying was Reverend Bob that he hadn’t noticed his extremely moist state. Though his words were a little bubble-muffled, his message still got through to the flock.
Uncle William’s heart pounded as he walked away from the row of shining Exploiters in Freddy’s lot. Though he didn’t know it, Uncle William would have his first wet dream in 31 years that night involving several Pillagers and Exploiters. Sometimes when Uncle William made love to Aunt Ether, he could only maintain his erection if he thought vividly of the Thunderbird he owned when he was eighteen. The T-bird’s leather bucket seats, the way they pressed against his young body, the feel of the leather steering wheel, the willing stick shift, the G-force and the speed were the genesis of most of Ether’s orgasms as William held the car and its parts deeply within his being.
Reluctantly Uncle William drove out of the Ford lot and headed toward Jerry’s Jeep to get a glimpse of the new SUV, the Jeep Jivaro. There was a huge banner stretching the full length of Jerry’s building that said “Jeep Jivaro. You will understand.” A smaller white banner said, “Sold out already. More on the way.” Uncle William kept driving as Reverend Bob broke down into all-out weeping. His incomprehensible words were wet thought bubbles exploding in mangled syllables that gurgled and drowned in the preacher’s moist abandon. Uncle William was getting a little misty-eyed himself as he pointed his car toward Nestor’s Nissan.
A few more draws from the jumbo travel mug put six cups of coffee into Uncle William in slightly less than 40 minutes. He wished Reverend Bob would stop sobbing and let his choir sing a hymn, something bouncy he could drum along to on the steering wheel. But they didn’t. Instead, there was a general mopping up of the Reverend and his excretions to the point where he began his plea for cash, his voice drenched with the sorrow of every tear shed today.
“Friends, friends, friends, there is no greater way to worship GAAWWWDDDD than by being generous. It’s in the BIIIIIII BULL. Generosity GEN ER AWE SIT EE is the key that unlocks every heart. How deep can you dig in your heart today to share your GEN ER AWE SIT EE with me, your limitless GEN ER AWE SIT EE which places you immediately in Heaven, dodging the fires of Hell? How much is it worth to you to avoid Eternal Torture and to find Eternal Bliss? I want YOU to find out the answer to that question RAT NOW! LOOK!” Reverend Bob is screeching now. “LOOOOK INTO YOUR HEART – DEEPER THAN YOU HAVE EVER LOOOOOKED…” Bob was falling to pieces and only cash could put him back together again.
The force of the Reverend’s words weighed on Uncle William as he pulled into the newly paved and yellow-lined lot of Nestor’s Nissan in search of the brand new Nissan Nuisance whose tagline in the ads was “You’ll want to spank it.” Uncle William didn’t even get out of his car to look at the Nuisance. Resembling a plastic box on go-kart wheels, very toy-like and cute in an I’m-not-quite-garbage-yet way, he thought its slogan should be, “You’ll want to get a shovel and bury it far far away.”
Just as he pulled out of Nestor’s lot, Reverend Bob’s 24-voice (actually three voices looped eight times), all female (except for Oscar who has a high voice that sounds feminine) choir, The Clutterbuckers, started a rousing version of Shepherds in the Pie which got Uncle William tapping happily along on the wheel. Behind the choir, Reverend Bob exhorted the flock to give til it hurts.
As Uncle William drained the last few ounces from his coffee mug on the way to his final destination, the song ended. Reverend Bob went insane or rabid or whatever it is, ranting about how expensive it is to get pigeons out of the studio.
“Do you know how much money it costs to erase their cooing from all the tapes we make here in the dangerous dungeons of Rory Calhoun and Clint Walker? Do you remember how tall and hairy Clint Walker was as Cheyenne? They don’t have the spoonfuls yet. The snapshots have arrived in dinkeyfuls. I’m feeling very transparent now. Did you just put your hand right through me? Did you?”
Uncle William snapped off the radio and drove in silence.
As it was every Sunday morning, Uncle William’s last stop was Chris’ Chevrolet, this week to seek out the new Bronto. Cars and Crap magazine said the name was short for brontosaurus and derided the vehicle in every way possible claiming “GM still doesn’t get this whole green thing. The Bronto handles like its namesake; it looks like its namesake and even has an unusual exhaust odour that likely resembles its namesake. It’s a dinosaur on the road. Avoid. Stop. Do not Merge with or Yield to this dumb thing. It should be extinct.” Uncle William concurred with the review when he saw the thing itself and added in the disparaging comments of his morning coffee buddies.
The next Sunday during his tour, a Bronto ran a red light, crushed the Focus and killed William. His death was deemed tragic, ironic and appropriate.