Greetings Fandoolants and Fandoolettas,
Your bud Shirty checking in wit cha from the ether world of sub-moronic fail music and custodial wincing which will blow your hair back if you got any left anywhere on your body. Custodial wincing is the latest health rage out here on the launching pad, Brutish Churlumpia. Listening to dumb music to feel smart is only the beginning. This billion dollar baby is waiting to be delivered, long overdue, angry and punching from the inside. Hand me the scalpel.
Speaking of that I have developed a burping disorder that, after arduous medical and semi-medical testing using needles, electrodes and penal insertions, turns out to be caused by an excess amount of hummus in my diet. (If you’re wearing a cap right now, hummus is like dog food for people.) I’ve joined HA (Hummus Anonymous) hoping to kick the habit and the burping. I’ll keep you apprised.
My shrink, Doctor Unequipped, says all is well and being beaten on my testicles is an important part of my cure. I’m beginning to have my doubts. I think he jumped on the S&M bandwagon too soon and is regretting it now. He can regret it more though.
Career-wise my new company, Chump Change for Judy, is growing like mad. I’ve hired six new debriefers to keep the underwear flowing in a downward direction. The only other position open right now is Smelling Organizer. If you like feces, go for it.
Six new bands that sound exactly the same have joined my talent roster at Turd Polishing International. TPI is overflowing with effulgent these days and the charts are reflecting it. Three of my acts have Top Ten hits on three diverse music charts:
- The Litter Box Lions are Number Four on the Petulant Pet Top Ten with Fancy Feast Fiesta, a jolly instrumental with plenty of scratching, yowling and burying;
- Poon Tang Lagoon are Number Two this week on the Nudists Who Eat Beef at the Beach Top Ten with I’m Itchy, You’re Itchy, Live With It, a ska romp that will be still be played a hundred years from now;
- Dave Clark Five tribute band, the Dave Clark Fivish are Number One on the Worst Tribute Bands Ever Top Ten with their version of Bites and Polices.
Bulletin! Bulletin! Just signed last night after sufficient coaxing and cajoling, the Tar Paper Wrappers are now part of the TPI herd! Their first release, Sandra Has Lice, I Feel Bilious will be out next week. Download with the upcode and thou shalt be wrapped! Click the pic for a TPW teaser.
Been doing some goose hunting. Only been goosed twice so slow season so far.
Check out custodial wincing for sure!
Keep your plunder dry.