A Toast to All the Patty Lewises of the World!

Re-posted from my Things-I-Wish-I’d-Written File:


FROM:    Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO:         All Employees

DATE:    October 01, 2011

RE:         Christmas Party

I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols…feel free to sing along. And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone’s pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family.


FROM:    Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO:         All Employees

DATE:    October 02, 2011

RE:         Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.  We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we’re calling it our “Holiday Party.” The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.


FROM:   Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO:        All Employees

DATE:   October 03, 2011

RE:        Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table … you didn’t sign your name. I’m happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, “AA Only”; you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

Forget about the gifts exchange; no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.



FROM:  Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

To:        All Employees

DATE:   October 04, 2011

RE:        Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are!  I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’ beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party, or else package everything for you to take home in little foil doggy baggies. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men’s table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed though we will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food. We suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply “No Sugar” desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?

FROM:   Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO:         All Fucking Employees

DATE:    October  05, 2011

RE:         The Fucking Holiday Party

Vegetarian pricks, I’ve had it with you people!!! We’re going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the “Grill of Death,” as you so quaintly put it, and you’ll get your fucking salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. THEY SCREAM WHEN YOU SLICE THEM! I’ve heard them SCREAM!!! I’m hearing them scream right NOW!!!

I hope you all have a rotten holiday!  DRIVE DRUNK AND DIE!!!!!!

The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!

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