Just In Case Everything Falls Apart Over the Holidays

Keep These Numbers Handy

Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the
line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to The Mothership.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell
you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you
press – no-one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a
representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number,
date of birth, social security number and your mother’s maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press
000.
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or
before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too
busy to talk to you.

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