COUNTING DOWN THE WORST OF THE WORST
Ummmm…Betty, oh Betty. I’m getting those feelings again, those old, old urges. There is just something about how happy you are in your fantasy and how colourful your fantasy is. Oh, yes, entering the Top Ten from behind, no, I mean, coming in at, no, I mean, let’s just join Betty in her fantasy. It’s in Hi-Fi!
With homosexuality in the animal kingdom such a hot topic on the internet and around the dinner table these days, it’s little wonder dogs are the first to get their own special album, debuting at Number Nine this week. Many, many dogs may be a little surprised at how quickly inter-specie homosexual relationships have taken hold in the culture. My favourite tracks are Get Your Leash, Get the Condoms and his cover of Dylan’s The Times They Are A-Changin’
Wait, should she even be in there? She’s only 16 and he’s, what, 42? She’s glued to either the beer or the cigarette smoked right down to the filter and either are preferable to John, whose beard smells really really rank all the time. He has bad beard, a rare condition that afflicts beard wearers unbeknownst to them. His record stinks too but, who am I to argue with Number 8 this week.
There are 92 different relaxation techniques explained on this new self-help album ranging from setting your rocking chair out among the lawn sprinklers for a few hours (a la the cover) to doing self massage with a clawhammer to single point meditation on cheese to the Real Good Home Lobotomy Method. Lawyer bait, the entire back cover with 18 page insert is a disclaimer.
The caveman thing again! Didn’t we go through this about 100,000 years back? Did I miss something? Turns out Roger sings in a high girly voice that no Ugluk-fearing caveman would be caught dead grunting in. Roger stepped in something bad on the internet this week and subsequently slips from Number 2 to Number 6. Google him if you dare!
Could this be the antidote to Buzzmania (see #1 & #2) the world’s been waiting for? While Geraldine is pure as the driven snow, Ricky is a little wooden but their harmonizing, especially on Your Hand Up My Back Is Very Hot. I Know It Is, is completely unaccountable, inexplicably prurient and verging on unique. Trading hands and holding their own at Number 5 this week.
This new release from Hi In-Fidelity Records is being touted as “the first record ever recorded by performers singing entirely and tirelessly from playground swings.” The G-Force Girls have found their niche though the band members change with clocklike regularity. My favourite tracks are Over The Bar, Pass the Umbrella My Water Just Broke and Don’t Mess With The G-Force Girls. It takes the biggest jump from Number 24 to Number 4.
There has been a flurry of What To Do albums lately – What To Do Until the Pizza Comes, What To Do Until You Can Get Back Home To Your TV, What To Do Until Your Marriage Breaks Up, What To Do When There Is Nothing To Do – so Murray Banks has leapt onto the bandwagon with advice on How To Live With Yourself Until… Crazy, baby, crazy!
Debuting at Number Two this week is Buzz Martin’s follow-up to his boffo first album which still hangs onto Number One. Old Time Logger is more of the same half-spoken, semi-sung lumberjack hooey with Buzz’s out-of-tune guitar work. The internet is abuzz about this being Buzz’s coming out album. We’ll see.
The buzz on Buzz just keeps getting buzzier! Sixteen weeks at Number One now for Buzz’s first album, Walks a Logger, Walks a Man. My favourite track is still Hoot Owlin Again. His second album debuts at Number Two this week. Move over Justin, Buzzmania is underway and growing worse every day.
Keep up with the awful! See more record charts here and here.