As a public service, I offer these reviews from bumwines.com
Cisco
18% alcohol by vol.
Cisco is bottled by the U.S.’s second largest wine company, Canandaigua Wine Co., in Canandaigua, NY and Naples, NY – the same company as Wild Irish Rose.
Known as “liquid crack,” for its reputation for wreaking more mental havoc than the cheapest tequila. Something in this syrupy hooch seems to have a synapse-blasting effect not unlike low-grade cocaine. The label insists that the ingredients are merely “citrus wine & grape wine with artificial flavor & artificial color,” but anyone who has tried it knows better. Tales of Cisco-induced semi-psychotic fits are common. Often, people on a Cisco binge end up curled into a fetal ball, shuddering and muttering paranoid rants. Nudity and violence may well be involved too. Everyone who drinks this feels great at first, and claims, “It’s not bad at all, I like it.” But, you really do not want to mess around with this one, because they all sing a different tune a few minutes later. And by tune, I mean the psychotic ramblings of a raging naked bum.
In 1991, Cisco’s tendency to cause a temporary form of inebriated insanity led the Federal Trade Commission to require its bottlers to print a warning on the label. The FTC also forced them to drop their marketing slogan, “Takes You by Surprise,” even though it was entirely accurate. Since those days, Cisco is harder to find outside the slums, although the FTC’s demonizing of the drink only bolstered its reputation for getting people trashed. Anyone who overlooks the warning and confuses this with a casual wine cooler is going to get more than they bargained for. Cisco will make a new man out of you. And he wants some too.
Our research shows that Cisco is actually the second best tasting of the five great bum wines, especially if you’re having one of those hankerings for cheap Vodka, Jell-O and Robitussin. We must also note that Cisco is the best of all 5 bum wines at putting the darkest and puffiest bags under your eyes. The nuclear-tinted color of “Cisco RED” is reminiscent of diesel fuel. Most Cisco flavors are named by the fruit flavor that they are trying to emulate, but the one picture is simply called “RED.” This chemical disaster will get your head spinning in no time. A test subject reports, “Strawberry Cisco has a bouquet similar to that of Frankenberry cereal fermented in wine cooler with added sprinkle of brandy for presentation.” The sticky, sickeningly sweet taste with a hint of antifreeze really comes through in the repellant taste of Cisco. Available in various flavors, 375 mL and 750 mL sizes. Down a whole 750 mL and you had better be ready to clear your calendar as you suffer through Cisco’s legendary 2-day hangover.
MD 20/20
18% or 13% alcohol by vol.
As majestic as the cascading waters of a drainpipe, MD 20/20 is bottled by the 20/20 Wine Company in Westfield, New York. This is a good place to start for the street wine rookie, but beware; this dog has a bite to back up its bark. MD Stands for Mogen David, and is affectionately called “Mad Dog 20/20”. You’ll find this beverage as often in a bum’s nest as in the rock quarry where the high school kids sneak off to drink. This beverage is likely the most consumed by non-bums, but that doesn’t stop any bums from drinking it! Our research indicates that MD 20/20 is the best of the bum wines at making you feel warm inside. Some test subjects report a slight numbing agent in MD 20/20, similar to the banana paste that the dentist puts in your mouth before injecting it with Novocaine. Anyone that can afford a dentist should steer clear of this disaster. Available in various nauseating tropical flavors that coat your whole system like bathtub scum, but only the full “Red Grape Wine” flavor packs the 18% wallop.
Liquor stores are starting to be infiltrated by a 13% variety of MD 20/20 Red Grape. There is also a new “Blue Raspberry” flavor with “BLING BLING”. Even the lowest functioning of bums will know not to get swindled out of 5%.
Night Train Express
17.5% alcohol by vol.
Don’t let the 0.5% less alcohol by volume fool you, the Night Train is all business when it pulls into the station. All aboard to nowhere – woo woo! The Night Train runs only one route: sober to stupid with no roundtrip tickets available, and a strong likelihood of a train wreck along the way. This train yard favorite is vinted and bottled by E. & J. Gallo Winery, in Modesto, CA. Don’t bother looking on their web page, because they dare not mention it there. As a clever disguise, the label says that
it is made by “Night Train Limited.” Some suspect that Night Train is really just Thunderbird with some Kool-Aid-like substance added to try to mask the Clorox flavor. Some of our researchers indicated that it gave them a Nyquil-like drowsiness, and perhaps this is why they put “night” in the name. The picture shows that the subject that drank Night Train is down for the count, while the Cisco guzzling subject is ready to rock. Guaranteed to tickle your innards.
Thunderbird
17.5% alcohol by vol.
Look for the pigeon feces and you’ll find this old bird. As soon as you taste this swill, it will be obvious that its makers cut every corner possible in its production to make it cheap. Self-proclaimed as “The American Classic,” Thunderbird is vinted and bottled by E. & J. Gallo Winery, in Modesto, CA. Disguised like Night Train, the label says that it is made by “Thunderbird, Ltd.” Anyways, if your taste buds are shot, and you need to get trashed with a quickness, then “T-bird” is the drink for you. Or, if you like to smell your hand after pumping gas, look no further than Thunderbird. As you drink on, the bird soars higher while you sink lower. The undisputed leader of the five in foulness of flavor, we highly discourage drinking this ghastly mixture of unknown chemicals unless you really are a bum. A convenience store clerk in Show Low, AZ once told me that only the oldest of stumbling Indian drunks from the reservation buy Thunderbird. Available in 750 mL and a devastating 50 oz jug.
The history of Thunderbird is as interesting as the drunken effects one experiences from the wine. When Prohibition ended, Ernest Gallo and his brothers Julio and Joe wanted to corner the young wine market. Earnest wanted the company to become “the Campbell Soup Company of the wine industry” so he started selling Thunderbird in the ghettos around the country. Their radio ads featured a song that sang, “What’s the word? / Thunderbird / How’s it sold? / Good and cold / What’s the jive? / Bird’s alive / What’s the price? / Thirty twice.” It is said that Ernest once drove through a tough, inner city neighborhood and pulled over when he saw a bum. When Gallo rolled down his window and called out, “What’s the word?” the immediate answer from the bum was, “Thunderbird.”
WARNING: This light yellow liquid turns your lips and mouth black! A mysterious chemical reaction similar to disappearing-reappearing ink makes you look like you’ve been chewing on hearty clumps of charcoal.
Wild Irish Rose
18% alcohol by vol.
The thorn in your hangover is a wild rose. Bottled by Canandaigua Wine in Canandaigua, NY, the same company as Cisco. Like its brother Cisco, “Wild I” definitely has some secret additives that go straight to the cranium. Another web page claims that this foul beverage is a conspiracy by the Republicans to kill the homeless. It’s called “wild” for a good reason, and bystanders should beware. Wild Irish Rose is sure to light a fire of drunken rage in your soul. A guy named “Richards” is mentioned on the label. A helpful guy named Carl wrote an email directing our
attention to a web page which claims that “Richard’s Wild Irish Rose was named after his son, Canandaigua’s current president Richard Sands.” Carl also found this URL that talks about a Neil Diamond song with a part about this beverage in it. Neil Diamond agrees that where Wild Irish Rose is concerned, only those willing to sacrifice their liver need apply. The “White Label” variety of this beverage is definitely a hard wine to come to terms with. “White Label” smells like rubbing alcohol, and has no added flavoring to mask its pungent taste and noxious odors. Available in 375 mL, 750 mL, and a 50 oz jug.
Field reporter “Greyham” brings us this report: Here is Wild I’s devastating new addition, “Wild Fruit with Ginseng”. I’ll be honest with you: the normal Wild I has turned into some sort of fierce energy drink gone wrong mixed with the original to create a bum-worthy migraine-inducing concoction. I purchased a 750 mL which goes for 3.99 and a 375 mL which goes for 2.59 (at least here in FL). Word on the streets here is that the bums are wary of it. I talked to a couple that said they’d prefer to “stick with what’s tried and true”. Apparently, they haven’t accepted it yet as the real deal. As for me, I drank the 375mL on a semi-full stomach and was just ruined by the stuff. The flavor retains its same potent Wild I nastiness but has a whole new bouquet of fruity flavor added as well (potentially aimed at bums of the female persuasion). Upon completion of the 375, I was thoroughly inebriated and found myself honestly wondering where my next fix of the stuff was going to come from. This scared me so I immediately started drinking water….here’s the best part. After that relatively small bottle, I didn’t piss until the next evening despite drinking copious amounts of water. There is DEFINITELY something in this stuff that dehydrates you…possibly the “ginseng” or whatever it is that they added to this already foul stuff.
You might also be interested in my video about The Hobo Code.
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