The Rapture Update

Information is flooding in from around the planet about

 The Rapture.

Except for this guy – and who can blame him, look where he is – The Rapture is going smoothly with almost ten people ascended so far world wide. God thinks that’s a surprisingly high number but, for now, He’s going along with it pending a recount. So, oh oh for the newly Holy, don’t hold your breath, me Droogies. {Oprah, who has earned her very own special Oprah brackets {…}, is having wardrobe decision problems but is getting advice as we speak so we expect her to ascend at any time.}

The main theme, motif, texture, ambience, essence, aftertaste, flatulent burn and full burp reminder of The Rapture so far is if you are still here after two hours and three minutes, you ain’t goin’. So if it’s 8:03 p.m. wherever you are, you’ve been spared, passed over, unraptured. Kick back, it’s Saturday night, crack a bottle of something, strike a match, you ain’t going nowhere.

FYI: Our fate, we the left-behind, now rests with Destiny Builders Corp who are deciding an appropriately horrible death for each and every one of us remainders at the behest of The Great Behester.

I’ll have one more update on The Rapture shortly after midnight, just to say nighty night. Bottoms up!

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